A life of hypervigilance

A little over six months ago, I sat in a cafe with a latte, sourdough bread with pesto and a book to read.*

While flipping through the book, a powerful inspiration struck me so intensely that I felt the urge to leap out of my seat and shout. Such an action would have undoubtedly drawn much attention and surprise from the strangers around me.

While reading the book on processing childhood trauma, I had a moment of clarity where everything seemed to fall into place. It was as if a light bulb went off in my head, and I gained a new perspective on my life, understanding why things had been so challenging and complicated.

As I sat there, I gained insight into my own experiences and the challenges I had faced. It became clear to me how, during my childhood and teenage years, I had adopted a specific coping mechanism to navigate through unsafe environments and a world that I perceived as threatening. It was a moment of realization for me as I acknowledged that I had been hyper-aware and vigilant throughout my life.

Individuals with PTSD often experience hypervigilance, which means they tend to perceive potential danger in various situations due to past trauma. This heightened state of alertness keeps their nervous system constantly on guard, prepared to respond to any perceived threat by either fighting, freezing, or fleeing.

Since elementary school, I have been aware of my strong inclination to carefully assess my surroundings by analyzing people and situations. This tendency became evident when making decisions such as selecting a seat, whether in a classroom or a restaurant. I would meticulously survey the area before choosing a spot where I felt less vulnerable to unexpected encounters.

The striking aspect of this realization was its profound physical impact on me. At that moment, I felt an instant sense of relaxation. While sitting in the coffee shop, I could sense my jaw muscles loosening and my shoulders appearing to droop and seek a place of rest later in the evening.

It was the beginning of a process that required several days to adjust. I was accustomed to maintaining a constant tension in my jaw and shoulders, but these muscles needed time to adapt to the new circumstances. Even now, I notice my jaw clenching when I experience stress, but the change is that I am now aware of it and can react by taking a deep breath and reassuring myself to stay calm.

Experiencing perpetual hyper-vigilance results in immense stress, both emotionally and physically. While I may not have consciously realized the necessity of remaining cautious and alert at all times, I was keenly aware of my heightened levels of nervousness and anxiety. I am greatly relieved to have broken free from the relentless cycle of stress associated with hypervigilance.

However, I did not suddenly let go of this hypervigilance. Rather, this understanding came about as a result of the considerable work I did with the assistance of various counsellors and therapists, enabling me to become open to letting go of my belief that the world was a dangerous place.

By beginning to trust myself, my surroundings, and the individuals in my life, I was able to truly unwind. Self-improvement can be challenging, but moments like this serve as rewarding victories that validate the efforts put into personal growth and development.

*The book I was reading is called Healing Developmental Trauma by Laurence Heller and Aline LaPierre.