The journey to my true self

My main goal when I began focusing on self-improvement was to improve my well-being.

I found it difficult to exist and struggled with significant distress and anxiety. I didn't want to live like that for the rest of my life. I tried to get help from a psychologist and a doctor, but I couldn't find what I was looking for, which led me to spirituality.

I took courses in tarot reading and healing, but through that and sitting with people in meditation, I began to sense energy and realized that I have a particular sensitivity. I met mediums and healers who said I had a future in this area and would even go on to do great things, but even though people encouraged me to start working, I never felt ready.

I always managed to find something more to work on, but as time passed, I realized that it wasn't about becoming more sensitive; it was about continuing to develop myself. I started asking myself questions and reading, not about how to become a healer and a medium but about discovering who I am and the purpose of being here on Earth.

I began to examine myself, my thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes more closely and question whether I was right about what I believed to be accurate. I learned about the ego, how personality is created from one's beliefs and experiences, and that my beliefs were only based on what I had been told and taught rather than sacred truth.

I had come to a point where I understood subjectively that I am not my body, emotions, mind, or the self-image/personality I have created, but one day, I experienced it firsthand. I was sitting on my bed, but suddenly, I was no longer there. Everything was black as if I were in space, that is, if there were no stars or planets there, not a single thing outside of myself.

What I experienced was that I am not the things we think we are: my name, body, beliefs, feelings, thoughts, ethnicity, gender, and so on. Nevertheless, "I" was still there in this void. This experience only lasted a few moments, but I remember thinking: Oh if I do not have this self-image, who or what am I?

My meditation instructors suggested that if a similar situation occurs again, I should remind myself that I embody light or love. This incident revealed my true essence, indicating that I transcend my personality and exist as something greater, often called consciousness or the higher self, depending on the terminology one prefers.

This event didn't affect me right away, but I didn't understand until recently that an inevitable process began at that moment that I now view as ego death, although that process is by no means over. Around this time, I lost my job just before COVID-19 started in Iceland, which meant that I was unemployed for two years and had nothing to do except be with myself.

Since these events occurred, I have sometimes felt nothing was going well for me. Personality has to do with things like one's possessions, occupation, status in society, knowledge and education, appearance, race, abilities, relationships, family, attitudes, politics and religion. Feeling like I wasn't excelling in any way made me realize that none of these things and roles were "me".

It is sometimes said that when one's life does not work out, that is how it works out. This journey that I have been on in the last few years, which I could easily look at negatively, allowed me to go deeper with my self-cultivation, to understand who I am in my innermost core, and finally find that peace and happiness inside that nothing can take away from me.