2020: A year of change

2020 kicked off with a bang. Prior to Christmas, I enrolled in a three-week cleanse program that requires adhering to a specific diet (free of gluten, sugar, and dairy) to address some health issues.

Usually, I don't stress much about my diet as I'm not fond of cooking or planning meals. I wasn't keen on following a restrictive diet, but my persistent digestive issues compelled me to make a change.

The course began on January 7, and three days later, the cleanse commenced. On Monday morning, I arrived at work, having prepared and stored my lunch for the day in the fridge, only to unexpectedly find myself in a meeting with my new boss, who then terminated my employment after three and a half years with the company.

Although I had the option to choose what I wanted to do at that time, I had no desire to stay at my desk and serve my notice period. I submitted my resignation on paper, resulting in an unforeseen three-and-a-half-month paid break. Suddenly, I found myself in the car with my lunch, my trusty warm sweater that usually hung on my desk chair and my bag of oats all in my arms.

Since the start of my tenure at the company, there have been notable changes, especially in the last year and a half, such as a new department head, organizational adjustments, and a new team leader. Therefore, I had a sense that I might end up in this situation, irrespective of my performance, but it wasn't until that morning that it actually materialized. Regardless of the circumstances, getting terminated is always a jolt, particularly when it occurs suddenly or with minimal warning.

Following the incident nearly a month ago, I've been focusing on relaxing and regaining my energy. Instead of actively job hunting, I've chosen to dedicate this period to self-reflection and determining my next steps. Thankfully, shortly after losing my job, a friend from overseas paid me a visit and stayed for five days, providing a pleasant distraction. Since then, I've been prioritizing self-care and tending to various tasks around the house, realizing the surprising amount of clutter that can accumulate in drawers and cupboards throughout the entire apartment!

It's remarkable how things can impact you, even when you least expect it. I believed I had quickly moved past the initial shock of losing my job in just two days, feeling a significant sense of relief as I was eager to explore new opportunities. Yet, as I began to prioritize self-care, such as treating myself to a massage or unwinding in a spa, or simply enjoying a quiet moment in a café with a good cup of coffee, a myriad of thoughts and emotions began to emerge.

By simply looking after myself and striving to find joy in life, I found myself facing physical discomfort, manifested as a tightness in my chest, along with emotional anguish that appeared to originate from deep within. Despite my confusion, I had a sense of inadequacy or lack of worth, preventing me from fully appreciating what I was doing for myself.

The disruptions in my life, stemming from an unforeseen job loss and a significant shift in diet (due to recently diagnosed lactose intolerance and likely gluten intolerance), have prompted me to reassess my approach and contemplate my life's direction. However, this process is accompanied by a range of emotions and experiences that I must navigate with deep breaths.

Feeling bewildered by my experiences, I was fortunate to come across a meditation teacher who enlightened me about the inevitable process that accompanies any transformation. Whether significant or minor, favorable or unfavorable, all changes prompt self-reflection and evaluation.

Who am I if I'm not a working individual? If I alter my routines, modify my diet, begin or cease exercising, what will my identity be? What truly defines me? This is the current state I am experiencing. The year 2020 has introduced transformations that I hadn't recognized as essential for me. All I can do is embrace this transformation and eagerly anticipate discovering the individual I will evolve into once it concludes.