Looking in the rearview mirror

During the summer vacation, I had the idea to translate my blog posts into English.

This idea has been with me for a while. I wanted to translate the blog almost from the beginning, but at that time, my website did not support translating blog posts. I have been aware that it is feasible for some time, but I have not yet initiated the project. Whenever such ideas come to me unexpectedly, I note them.

While translating the blog posts, I have been reading them over, and I've noticed that sometimes I experience an aha moment when I feel that everything is going great. However, not so long after, I write that I still deal with certain things despite thinking I was in a better place.

Nonetheless, there is a sound and legitimate explanation for this phenomenon—this is how the healing process operates. There is a specific cadence to this process; I have realised that even when I believe I have dealt with a particular experience or emotion, it may resurface later, albeit at a deeper level.

Sometimes, however, something completely new emerges. This was the case for me when I began confronting my fear, an emotion I initially noticed two or three years ago but has intensified significantly this year.

The first time I experienced such strong fear was while driving with my boyfriend through a narrow tunnel, which made me feel a bit anxious. Subsequently, earlier this year, I began to feel overwhelmed by various tasks, particularly at work, fearing that I might make mistakes or perform poorly.

Today, when I feel worried and anxious about my tasks, I like to think of one of my favourite Zen stories about a monk who went on a boat early in the morning to meditate. He was in the middle of the water for quite some time when another boat collided with his. He sat there with his eyes closed and was annoyed by the interruption but continued to meditate.

Then it happened again, and he became more irritated but continued to meditate. Then, for the third time, the boat bumped into his, and he got pretty angry and opened his eyes to scold the person bothering him—but there was nothing there but an empty boat!

Upon realizing that the anger and all his experiences were internal, the monk achieved instant enlightenment. Similarly, my concerns do not stem from my tasks or external matters but from the anxiety and fear residing within me. Without nervousness and fear, external factors would have no impact on me.

As I began my self-improvement journey years ago, I encountered great sadness. This phase lasted for quite some time until I progressed further and unexpectedly began feeling a surge of anger. Currently, I am grappling with fear, which typically resides deep within one's innermost being. Therefore, reaching this point on my personal development path is genuinely beneficial.

Dealing with fear can be pretty complex as it arises with intense energy, bringing forth various considerations related to income, financial worries, and the need for security. However, fear is simply an emotion that, like any other, seeks to emerge from the depths of the subconscious to be acknowledged and understood—after which it dissipates.

Despite being challenging, hard work is rewarding when you observe the results. You notice it when the reaction differs from before. I can perceive the transformation within myself as I am less fearful. For example, recently, I navigated through a narrow tunnel calmly. I am also more self-assured about not striving for perfection or avoiding mistakes.

That is the nature of these emotions. When someone embraces something new, it typically occurs with intense impact, at least initially. Subsequently, as time progresses and the emotion resurfaces repeatedly, it gradually fades away. This happens as you acclimate to and develop a rapport with it, and as the source of the emotion diminishes, it requires less expression.

Therefore, the journey continues, yet occasionally pausing and looking back using the rearview mirror is crucial. This allows you to acknowledge the progress you have made.