Eternal misery

Is this depression? I never considered it as such.

Following the most challenging years in elementary school, I believed I had overcome it. However, feeling anxious about work, being in social situations, and preferring the safety of home - could this be a form of depression different from what I thought?

The other day, I saw a show in which a man ended his own life by tying a weight to himself and leaping into a swimming pool. My initial response was one of admiration for his ingenuity. During my struggles with suicidal ideation, I had dismissed drowning as an option due to my aversion to the idea of sea creatures feeding on my body.

Here, a solution presented itself, and I found it quite ingenious. Considering a suicide attempt "clever" does not indicate a typical mindset (not to mention my concern for my remains over my well-being, physically and spiritually). Therefore, not great.

I have no desire to end my own life. I do desire to continue living. Death does not fill me with dread but rather with a sense of tranquillity. It offers a peaceful escape and a release from this harsh and unforgiving world.

I have not been writing about my therapy sessions recently as planned because I have not been in the mood. The explanation is straightforward: I was initially making good progress. I shared my thoughts and received feedback: "You are filled with sadness, anger, and melancholy." Perfect. "You harbour a profound fear of rejection."

That's exactly what I needed to hear: that my feelings are not baseless but stem from an underlying issue! There is a person who reassures me: "Indeed, you are correct; something is seriously amiss. Let's work on resolving it."

However, when it came time to actually do the work, things didn't go as smoothly. "Describe your inner dialogue. What circumstances are you facing? How do you feel in those moments?" I am unsure of my emotions at that time. "Share your emotions. Without that, we can't change these patterns." But I don't know how I feel! I transitioned from anticipating my sessions and seeking solutions to feeling anxious and resisting introspection. I don't know the answers. Please refrain from further questioning. Allow me to be.

It's October, the weather is dull, and I'm always sick. I'm so weak; I want to sleep; I don't want to leave the house; I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm just so sick. I have to stay at home. It's just this month. October is just a miserable month. Everyone feels that way. Everything will improve as soon as this month ends; I must wait. I need some space and to breathe; time will pass, and my experience has shown me that we get closer to November every day, and everything will be fine. Everything will be okay.

Maybe it's not October. Perhaps it's just me.