The neverending story

Recently, I experienced a moment of panic while attempting to sleep late at night. Due to the overwhelming number of tasks I had to manage, I found it challenging to keep up with everything. This was particularly tough for me as I typically consider myself highly organized, punctual, and dedicated to excelling.

However, I was overwhelmed and unable to accomplish everything I had planned. I felt inadequate for not performing as well as I wanted to. These feelings intensified until this evening when I realized my fear of underperforming, disappointing others, overlooking tasks, and making errors.

I had to make a conscious effort to soothe myself and acknowledge that I couldn't ignore this emotion any longer. I realized that I had been constantly reassuring myself that everything would work out, but now I needed to confront my fears and listen to that vulnerable part of me.

Instead of silencing myself, I needed to acknowledge my feelings and respond with compassion by saying, "I hear you, I understand you, I acknowledge your emotions," offering myself support and kindness instead of denying my true feelings.

I'd also begun contemplating my actions and motivations more deeply. I pondered the purpose behind my endeavours and questioned whether they were driven by personal fulfilment or external validation. I reflected on my aspirations, priorities, and the significance of my efforts towards others.

These reflections indicate that I am progressing towards prioritizing myself in my life and gaining clarity on what truly matters to me. It is crucial for me to improve in establishing boundaries and asserting my needs, instead of simply conforming to the expectations of others. I have tended to let things bother me without expressing my preferences or voicing my desires.

Furthermore, I came to the realization that I have the ability to walk away from unfavourable circumstances, marking a positive initial move towards prioritizing my well-being. Nevertheless, I found myself perplexed by the internal struggle I was facing, especially considering that my current situation is more favourable than ever before; I am surrounded by supportive individuals, have a fulfilling job, and pursue projects and hobbies that excite me.

Discovering that communication can be challenging, even in interactions with healthy individuals and situations, has been enlightening for me. At times, I sense my boundaries being overstepped or encounter discomfort, prompting me to retreat as a defence mechanism.

It can be appealing to start fresh by moving on to a new job, relationship, or environment. While this can be the right decision in certain circumstances, it may also serve as a means to escape conflict or unresolved issues that require attention. In such cases, it is more beneficial to remain in the present, confront and address existing challenges, break old patterns, and embrace the chance to approach things differently than before.

It's clear to me that I've been evading specific discussions due to my discomfort with addressing topics, establishing boundaries, or expressing my desires or needs. However, avoiding these issues doesn't lead to solutions. Some situations remain unresolved unless you openly communicate your thoughts.

Choosing not to take action or run away from a situation is not a solution to the difficulties one encounters, as those same problems will reappear in a different job, a different relationship, or a different setting. And without interference, the cycle will continue endlessly.